Overwhelmed

I'm not sure where else to put this. I have coworkers that are on my facebook page.. Not just local ones from FCR, but one from Scotland, and the other from Idaho.  I am already embarrassed, so no way am I putting it up for their inspection.


I'm not looking for sympathy.  I'm not looking for pity.  Shame keeps me quiet.. but I need help, and I'm not sure where to turn.  I have a hard time admitting this to anyone, and in fact have not invited people over because of this.  My house is a wreck.  Not just a little untidy...but mostly unlivable.  90% of my dishes are in boxes..dirty. 


Over the past 10 years I've accumulated so much junk and now I'm overwhelmed with it.  I can't put it outside in my little storage shed as there's a very good chance it will either mold, or be eaten by mice and rats.  I can't keep it in here..there's just no room.  I can't just throw it out.. I need most of it...or somewhere in my hoarding mind, I think I need it, or want to hold onto it for Morgan's sake.  Old wedding pictures... yeah, Morgan might want to see these... Clothing that my grandma gave me that is about a dozen sizes too small, yeah.. these wont take much room in my closet.  I may lose weight some day, I'll hold onto these just in case... Morgan's clothes from all the way back to preemie newborn... I'll donate these...some day......


Christmas is in one week.  I'm supposed to have people here.  Dave.. his girlfriend.. who knows who else is going to show up.  My family is used to my pack-rat ways.. other people, not so much.  I finally got my tree up... but all I did was push junk from that spot to the other spot so I could move a couch around.  Now I have to figure out how to rearrange the furniture to make the space livable again and to unbury my couches.  I know HOW to do this.. I just have no motivation left.  Even knowing people are coming, and that this will likely be the last day I can take care of stuff here...I've just lost my will and my care. :(

Everything changes

Two months ago life seemed about as perfect as it could get.
I had a mini-vacation and beach memorial planned.
I had money in the bank and food in the house.
I had a grandpa who spoke to me.
I had nights of wonderful sleep.
I went on vacation with my family. It was amazing. The beach was beautiful and the weather was perfect. The day before I planned on coming home, my sister and I decided to go out to see some falls. I was following her family out. I was unfamiliar with the area and the traffic, and I pulled out in front of a Charter Communications truck.
I saw it just a bit too late and he hit my rear tire. my first thought was Morgan. Once I was certain she was ok, I glanced at the other driver. Thankfully no one was majorly injured. Morgan had bruised ribs, and I have some lingering nerve issues. (Numbness and tingling)
It cost me $200 to tow the car home, the cost of a new car seat, and the $500 deductible to get my car back. There was $4,890 in damage done to my car after it was done.
My car insurance almost doubled, and even after 2 months, I still haven't caught back up. I'm broke...dead broke. I tried to swipe my debit for a bottle of water today and was declined. Checking my account balance shows 48 cents left.
I barely have food in the house for myself. I do make sure Morgan is well fed though.  Even when that means I go hungry, which lately has been a lot more than I'd like. There are days at work that my stomach growls so hard it hurts and I wonder if the people on the phone, or sitting next to me can hear it. 
I've had friends and coworkers tell me if I needed anything to let them know. I can't say anything about it at work, because to admit something like this would destroy what shred of self esteem I still have left. I live in fear that someone is going to ask me if I'm ok..or if I'm hungry.
One of my coworkers shared part of her lunch with me a few days ago. It took everything I had not to go into the bathroom and cry.
I really do have nothing left. I get WIC, foodstamps ($60 goes almost nowhere) and now, I will be forced to turn to  foodbaskets to try to keep food in my house.
I feel like a horrible mom...like I'm failing and have no support or help.
I mention to Dave that Morgan needs food, but I don't think he even realizes how bad things are. Any time I even halfway mention I need help, its like he tunes it out and just starts telling me how bad things are for him. Yes, I have a car and a place to stay, BUT I'm FUCKING STARVING.  Don't get me wrong, he's in a tough spot too... I guess I just haven't made it fully clear before now.
I'm also not sleeping. Between stressing out and worrying about money and food all the time I lay here wide awake until 2, sometimes 3...or if I do sleep it is short bursts and then I snap wide awake again.
My grandpa ...I can't even go into that right now. I can only hope that he truly sees what's going on around him before it is too late.
I'm a wreck...mentally, emotionally and physically. I don't know how much more I can take.

RIP Caylee Anthony

I am sure a lot of people are talking about the Casey Anthony trial today.


When my grandma first moved up here from California, we would hang out watching her favorite TV shows. Nancy Grace was one of those. During our visits, I would get dragged into the story of a little girl, right around Morgan's age, who disappeared. We watched it religiously as new evidence trickled in. The partying, the lies, the tattoo, the smell of death in her car.. more lies. Then came the heartbreak when they found the poor little girl tossed out like trash in the swamp.

I watched videos on this trial. I looked at pictures.. that precious little girl reminds me so very much of Morgan. I'm not sure why, possibly because they were close to the same age at the time of her death. It breaks my heart to think about Caylee.

I admit it, as a single mom I do get frustrated at times. This is one of the hardest jobs I've ever had. I'm constantly second guessing myself. I'm constantly worried, and wondering how Morgan will act as she gets older. I'm terrified of something happening to her, because she is my miracle baby. I do find myself having to turn down invites to go do things because I have a 2 year old. During all of this, the thought that I'd be better off without Morgan in my life has not and will NEVER cross my mind.

I fought with everything I had to have Morgan. I lost babies, I lost her twin.. I spent time in bed on mandatory bed rest. I wanted her with everything I had in me. My life would not be complete without her. How any person could snuff that spark out of a tiny life is beyond me.

After watching all the evidence, looking at the photos, and hearing all the trial I feel like I knew little Caylee. I know I did not. I know this trial was not about me. I do not blame the jurors for their verdict. It was the prosecution's job to prove without a doubt that Casey Anthony killed her daughter. Unfortunately, I think they caused more questions than were answered.

In my opinion, Casey's mother and father both knew something was going on. Cindy Anthony lied on the stand, and got away with it. She also did not honor her granddaughter's life. George Anthony was a cop. He smelled death in the car and yet did nothing.

My heart is heavy tonight. I am not a Christian person. Spiritual, but I can not say religious. I do believe there is a special place in hell for people that abuse or hurt children. I also believe that while Casey Anthony may be getting out of jail soon, she will never truly be free of what she has done.

I hope everyone who was involved in the disappearance, death, and disposal of Caylee Anthony never forgets and the guilt eats them. I hope they try to find happiness, but it always eludes them. I hope their families and friends abandon them. I hope they die alone, with no one to care for them or remember them after they are gone.

Rest in peace Caylee. I hope some day Justice is served, and the true story of what happened comes out.

Photography Page!

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30 day challenge = FAIL

I failed miserably. My computer decided to break down on me a week or two into my 30 day challenge. :( While incredibly bummed about that I guess it did work out. The past few weeks have been so busy, I haven't had time to think about blogging. I do have my computer back again! I'm excited to have a working computer because honestly, while I love my Android phone.. browsing the internet on it really sucks most of the time. No copy/paste options, and I still can't figure out how to save images from the web.

Let's see, what new stuff can I update? :D In the last month since I wrote last a lot has happened actually.

I quit smoking. Again. This time it's for good. It's been 38 days since my last cigarette. I admit, every so often I have this major craving and want one desperately, but I haven't had one. Some days it's so bad I can tell you the hours and minutes since I've had one. I've even had nights where I would dream about lighting up. I'd dream about the taste the cloves left on my lips, the crackle the cigarettes would make when I inhaled.. all of it. It was usually after waking up from those dreams that my craving was most intense.

One of my best friends moved away. I'm still heartbroken, and yes.. I still cry about it. :): <---This symbol may end up being my next tattoo. Yeah.. you affected me that much :) I'm SUPER excited because I do get to go visit him soon.

Other exciting things coming up... This weekend I'm taking Morgan to her first ever Frog-o-Faire. I think she was sick last year, and I wasn't able to take her. I don't know why I am so excited about this, but I am. I also am going to spend a little time with a friend, which could be cool. I'm also hoping to get to go to EdgeFest 2011 Saturday night.

Next week my friend is coming back to FCR. I'm REALLY happy to see his smiling face back at work. That weekend is my nephew's 5th birthday party! His Grandma will be up from California, and the weather is going to be beautiful. Sunday is Father's Day. I don't have any real plans for that day, other than packing up some stuff and cleaning.

The next weekend (First weekend of July) I get to go see Kenny!! :D I'm SUPER excited about getting to see him again. I'll be back home late Sunday night and then celebrate the 4th with my family.

I also have a week long trip coming up in July. I'll be visiting the beach, a few lighthouses, the Maritime Museum, The Goonies House (YAY) and a few other places, along with saying goodbye to someone who I love.

So, I apologize for not being around. Life is crazy hectic lately but I am still alive. :) I'll be posting some new pictures of the munchkin, and also of the beach trip we had last weekend. I hope you all have an awesome weekend.

Stalkers Pt. 2 (cont)

I've finally managed to come back to my stalker story. Just to recap, I have a woman who has been stalking me for years. She's super friendly, over religious, and basically harmless. She just has a hair fetish, and that seems to be all she talks about! :)

I also recently had a male stalker. He, wasn't so harmless. I'm not saying he would have hurt me.. I just did not give him the chance to find out. Recap..I joined this dating site months ago. *gasp* ...I know.. a dating site. So, when I joined, I didn't put a whole lot of info up, and to be completely honest the only reason I joined the site was a friend had put up a profile. He wanted me to review it and see what I thought of his ad.

Shortly afterward, I deactivated the account and forgot about it. Fast forward a few months and I had gotten an email from them telling me I had new matches and basically begging me to come back and review their site. Boredom won over sense, and I reopened my account. This particular site allowed you to state in specific terms what you were looking for. You had the choices of intimate encounter, friends with benefits, hanging out, activity partners, friends, dating, serious relationship, or marriage. I had so many things going on, and really I just wanted to look to see who I might have known on the site. (Point and laugh, you know) So I listed I was only looking for friends. I also plainly stated this in my description. I even added a few of my pictures.

Within minutes, I was seeing responses. I was shocked. The responses weren't all looking for dating/relationships or sex. In my profile I plainly stated that ..yeah.. I'm fat. I have big hips, rear and thighs and if they were tied up in image, they could look elsewhere. I had a few that were just compliments. They even stated "Hey, I don't want to come off as creepy, or gross. I do not see a fat girl in your pictures. I see a tall, beautiful woman." ...Color me pleasantly surprised. (Ok, no.. really.. shocked!) :)

So, one day I get an email saying I had some new matches. I decide to go check them out. I'm a little amused to find one of my matches is a coworker. Not a bad guy, but I don't think I'm emo/goth enough for him. :) ...Anyway, at the time I was looking, it told me he was online and I could click to chat with him. I thought, what the hell. I clicked on their little chat and said "Wow...how awkward is this, that out of all the people here it would be YOU to show up in my match list" ...well, he didn't respond, I minimized the window and pretty much forgot about it until hours later when I shut down my computer. As I closed it, I got a little pop-up saying "We're sorry he did not respond to your chats, we will send him an email telling him you were interested in him".. My heart... dropped. LOL Not saying there is anything wrong with him by any means.. I just wasn't "Interested" in him like that. I sat there staring at that little screen for an hour wondering what I'd do at work the next day... if he'd think things.. be repulsed.. be interested.. disgusted...ect. I opted to send him a message on facebook. I explained what had happened, and told him I was not hitting on him or anything. I went to bed nervous...was even more nervous at work the next day.

As soon as he logged in the next day he messaged me to tell me the dating site had never notified him that I was trying to chat with him. So, I could have saved myself the worry and embarrassment and not said anything to him! Later in the week, I was talking with my sister about the whole situation, and she wanted to see what he looked like. I decided to wade through 52 pages of profiles. If any of them jumped out at me, or I found interesting I'd open them in a new tab to look at later. Well, for some reason I never did find my coworker's profile...but I did find this guy who had an interesting heading and he was wearing some steampunk head gear that I wanted to look at a little closer. When I pulled up his profile, there was a list of 20 different bands that he liked. I hadn't heard of half of them, so I added him to my favorites tab so I could look up the bands later. His pictures weren't too shabby.. he had pretty eyes, a handful of tattoos and piercings, and overall seemed to like a lot of the same things I did. Being shy, I probably never would have contacted him.

Before I even had closed his profile, I had 2 messages in my inbox from him. We ended up talking for awhile there, and then I added him on facebook so we didn't have to email back and forth, we could chat. Within a week or so we were texting. He seemed pretty nice, and he was constantly texting and sending little notes. I just figured he was really interested. My birthday was coming up, and he lived in Medford. I had planned on going to a Flea Market in Medford on my birthday. I decided that would be a good day to meet him. It would be a public place, and I had friends there at the market, so I felt safe. When I pulled up and saw him, I did not even recognize him at first. It was only his tattoos that made me realize who he was. I do not care about a person's appearance. Obviously, I'm a big girl too, but, my profile pictures reflect what I look like currently....not 4 years ago. The person I met had gained over 180lbs since taking his last pictures. It surprised me, but I figured it was ok. We wandered around the Flea Market and talked.. I found a few cool things to bring home with me. As I was leaving I offered him a ride home. He barely fit in my car... and then once there, he kept putting his hand over on my thigh. Whoa buddy. My profile still clearly states I am only looking for friends. I wasn't sure what to say, but I moved my hand back to the stick shift and made it uncomfortable for him to keep his hand there, so he moved it.

We talked about a lot of things during the day. My fear of men, and intimacy came up, and I actually told him that I have a hard time kissing someone unless I'm very into them. This came out in conversation not even 20 minutes before I dropped him off at his house. During the few hours we hung out, I thought I'd made it clear I was only looking for friends...and I did not want any physical interactions. When I dropped him off, he asked me if I'd give him a hug. I figured I was safe enough. When I got close, he grabbed me by the back of the head and deep throat kissed me so hard I was gagging on his tongue. I started pushing away from him and when he finally realized I was not enjoying it he backed off, and apologized for being so aggressive. He said "I don't know what came over me, but I really ..really like you". I just brushed it off and left.

I continued talking to him online, and via text over the next week. He kept begging me to come spend the weekend with him in Medford. I told him that I would not stay the night with him, but I would come over and hang out to watch a movie or something. After I started thinking about his behavior the last time I saw him.. I put him off. I told him I had something come up. I was afraid that if I was at his house alone, and drank I could be in trouble. The fact that he was able to pretty much force me to kiss him when I was sober scared me.

I avoided him. I didn't return txts.. and in one night from 1:30am when I shut off my phone until 8pm the following night when I checked it again I had gotten over 82 text messages from him. The final one said "Hey, it's been 36 hours and 12 minutes since I've heard from you last. Is everything ok?" ...I snapped. I told him he was making me uncomfortable. I told him I wasn't someone who would just jump into bed with someone, and that kissing me like that had been a little inappropriate considering he knew that I was not interested in anything but friends. After he continually begged me to change my mind and "make a leap" with him.. I deleted and blocked him from my friends list on yahoo, facebook and the dating web site, and blocked his number from calling me or texting me. How do I end up attracting all the creepy, scary guys?!

Absences

This past week has been pretty rough for me.  There was a huge family drama... My bestest buddy moved away, and to top it all off I'm having computer problems.  I apologize for that, and hope life will be settling down this week. :)