The past year..

I've been promising this blog update for a long...long time.
It was over a year ago that Dave, Morgan and I moved to Portland.

We thought life would be better there. There were more job opportunities, and my best friend and her family lived there. They offered us a place to stay while we got on our feet.
Okay, so that is glossing over everything. The nitty gritty, ugly truth?... Dave and I used to swing. We had started a polyamorous relationship with my best friend, and her husband. Everyone told us it wouldn't work out. Everyone told us it would ruin the friendship, and my marriage.

I was stubborn. I was hard headed. I was a fool. I went into this arrangement with an open mind, and an open heart. I should have listened to everyone...but sometimes you have to learn from your mistakes the hard way.

Things went really well for the first couple months. Better than well. They seemed perfect. Little did I know that there was a current of jealousy running underneath the smiles. Dave and my friend were both jealous and upset about how fast, and intense the relationship between the other husband and I developed. I was too close to see how it was affecting things.

Dave became more and more depressed. He was distant.. my friend became abusive to her husband. They both pushed us away from them...and towards each other. When one of us was hurt, we turned to each other. We both decided in mid April that we were unhappy with our marriages, and wanted out. We weren't sure how we were going to make it happen, but we decided at that point we wanted to see where things went with the two of us.

The four of us had a rule set that said only the married couples could have sex without the others there. So basically, no swapping unless everyone involved knew. The other husband and I broke this rule. There is no nice way of putting it. I cheated on my husband, with my best friend's husband. It went on for a few weeks, and we were caught by Dave. Dave and I separated within days. I lost my best friend of 16 years, and also lost a lot of friends, and family support.

It was ugly. It was sordid, and I regret that it ever happened. Nothing can change something like that after it's happened. The only thing you can do is pick yourself up and move forward. So...we did. The other husband and I tried our best to keep the house. Dave moved back to Southern Oregon, and my friend found an apartment in town.

When it became clear that we weren't going to be able to keep the house we started packing and cleaning. We had nowhere to go. We had barely an income. We had his 2 kids 4 days a week while their mom was at work, and I had Morgan full time. When we lost the house, we had no other option than to pitch a tent at a friend's property. It could have been a beautiful place...but it was neglected. We put our tent underneath an old oak tree to protect it a bit from the weather.

Life was really rough. It was early May, and the weather was still pretty cold. We spent our days wandering different stores just so we could stay warm. As the weather warmed up, we spent a lot of time at local parks. A friend invited us over for dinner every so often, and offered us showers. (Lifesavers!)

In July, my mom bought a travel trailer and put it on her property. She said if I could get back down to Grants Pass, I could stay in it until I got on my feet again. So, Kalvyn, Morgan and I made the trip back down to Grants Pass.

It was only once we were here, and he stopped being able to see his kids that I realized there was something wrong. Something I couldn't put my finger on, but something changed in him. I realized later that he was bipolar and not on medications. We fought constantly, and I found myself begging him to stay with me. His moods got predictable. I was depressed, and scared. I realized what I mistake I had made, and I apologized for everything that happened to Dave. I knew my apology would not change things...but it did open up our friendship. Kalvyn's moodswings got worse. His behavior scared me.

One day I just decided I was tired of the off and on, back and forth thing that we were doing. I decided I should not have to beg someone to commit. I deserved to be treated better than I was. I made the decision to throw him out in late August. I did not tell him for a few days, and it was during that time that I found out he was lying to me about his intentions, and using me for a place to stay. I told him that I wanted him to move out. I gave him until his next paycheck to find his own place. I was nice enough to give him some time to find a new place. I moved Morgan into my bed, and let him stay in hers.

During the next few weeks I was so focused on trying to find a job, and trying to rebuild the friendship with Dave that I let some of the things slide. I did my best to ignore his outbursts, and his mood swings. He had found a place, but it wouldn't open up until the end of the month. Again, I was nice to him and let him stay longer, but then found he was trying to hurt the friendship I had with Dave by spreading rumors and lies.

I threw him out that night. To say things got ugly was an understatement. I do not want to go into that story at this point. It's done, and over with. He is no longer a part of my life. In fact, he moved back up to Portland to be with his kids...and ended up back with his wife.

I do not hold grudges. I do not hate him for the things that happened between us. Nor do I hate Dave for any of the bad that went between us. He is still one of my closest friends...but we've both agreed even trying to salvage anything between us would be stupid. Neither of us has changed..He still wants to swing..I do not. The things that made me mad about him are still the same. A few months separation did not change that.

Since then, I have gotten a job. A job I love! I am tech support for Lexar Media. I can not say it's the easiest job I've ever had, but it's nice. It's not high stress, and I get along with all of my co-workers. I'm working full time, and looking at benefits kicking in next month! :)

I do have more sad news to report. My grandma finally lost her battle to lung cancer January 9th, 2011. We were blessed to have her with us for one last Christmas. I still think about her almost daily, and miss her more than I thought possible.

Morgan is doing well. She's as tall as most 4 year olds, with a vocabulary to match.

Life is starting to pick up again. I've settled into a routine that works for me. I'm paying off bills that added up over the past summer. I've made some new friends, and also managed to get in touch with friends I've missed in the past year.

I'm smiling more now. I am, for the most part, content with my life.

Sure, I get lonely. I still have nights that are rough...but they're few and far between. For now, I'm focusing on Morgan, my job, and myself for once. It's a nice feeling. :)