Daily Challenge

I've decided to challenge myself.  At least one blog posting every day for at least 30 days.

I know it's going to be hard.  I would start tonight, but I've managed to depress myself again.  This really needs to stop.  I need sunshine.. I need laughter.. I need love.  Yeah.. that's a big part of my problem.

I let myself get caught up way too fast, and then being shocked and hurt when I realize the person I've been thinking about is repulsed by the thought of anything serious with me. I'm not saying that's what has happened recently.

In fact, I did meet a guy.  The sad part of it is... I just don't feel anything towards him.  Is it because most of my heart is already occupied and I'm just not willing to let go yet?  There is one guy who gives me that roller-coaster ride feeling deep in my stomach every time we talk or any time I get an unexpected text from him.  I tend to be empathetic though...and sadly I've picked up on the not interested vibe.. almost a fear coming from him at times.

So, instead I reactivated a dating site I signed up for awhile ago.  I've gotten (VERY surprised) quite a bit of attention there lately.  The guy I met was from this site.  Over the past few days after meeting him I reset my profile to seeking friends only.  I have also told the guy I am only wanting friends...but I'm too late...he seems hooked by me and I'm not really sure how to get those claws free.  He seems nice, and we do have a lot in common.  I just don't feel anything there.  He kissed me...which was..well, I'm not going there..let's leave it at that.. no.

The thought of trying at dating someone truly terrifies me. Then, I wonder, is it fear?  The last 2 relationships haven't been good to me.  (The last 3 if you count Kal....which I really don't.  He was more of the wrong guy at the right time. I admit a few regrets on that one.)  So the last ...what? 12 years? 13? Have been spent in misery, and pretty much alone.  I'm not saying all 8 with Dave were bad.  We had some fun..we had some good times.. but I still felt alone most of the time.   I seem to be stuck.  Terrified to be alone, but unwilling to take the leap and take a chance.

Hmm...look at that.  I guess I did have something to write about.