life in the fast lane

I have so much going on right now.  Life feels like it's in fast forward, and at the end of the day I'm left breathless and exhausted.  I've been so busy lately I hardly have time to breathe.

I have so much I'm excited about, looking forward to, surprised by, and dreaming of..and hurt by...and I can hardly talk about ANY of it.  I can not even be vague about it in my writing because I really do not know who reads this blog.  I am afraid of letting the cat out of the bag before it's even in a bag.  I know I've always said it's my blog, and I'll write what  I want, but some of this stuff is life altering..life changing sort of stuff.  *sigh*.... I need a confidante.  It's times like this that I really miss my best friend.

I miss my grandma a lot lately too.  She's shown up in my dreams a few times.  I went to a crafty type store with my sister, and my mom over the weekend.  They were looking at these watercolor sets.  They were pretty neat actually.  Watercolors, paintbrushes, and note-cards with matching envelopes made from watercolor paper.  They were talking about how they could paint up the cards and mail cute little home made, hand painted cards.  I almost picked some up too.  I thought.. "How fun, I can paint little pictures and mail them to grand....ma."  I set them down and had to walk away so I didn't burst into tears.

I spent the next hour wandering...trying not to look at all the crafty stuff that reminded me of her.  The roses, and birds and old fashioned lace.  Instead I turned inward.  I browsed the shops without seeing and thought about everything else going on in my life.  Overall I can say I'm still fairly happy.. incredibly lonely most nights.. and so busy I can't even manage to keep up with laundry mountain, let alone stopping long enough to blog about what's on my mind. I can say I'm turning into quite the pessimist.  Which surprises me, and I hate it. :(