Daily Challenge

I've decided to challenge myself.  At least one blog posting every day for at least 30 days.

I know it's going to be hard.  I would start tonight, but I've managed to depress myself again.  This really needs to stop.  I need sunshine.. I need laughter.. I need love.  Yeah.. that's a big part of my problem.

I let myself get caught up way too fast, and then being shocked and hurt when I realize the person I've been thinking about is repulsed by the thought of anything serious with me. I'm not saying that's what has happened recently.

In fact, I did meet a guy.  The sad part of it is... I just don't feel anything towards him.  Is it because most of my heart is already occupied and I'm just not willing to let go yet?  There is one guy who gives me that roller-coaster ride feeling deep in my stomach every time we talk or any time I get an unexpected text from him.  I tend to be empathetic though...and sadly I've picked up on the not interested vibe.. almost a fear coming from him at times.

So, instead I reactivated a dating site I signed up for awhile ago.  I've gotten (VERY surprised) quite a bit of attention there lately.  The guy I met was from this site.  Over the past few days after meeting him I reset my profile to seeking friends only.  I have also told the guy I am only wanting friends...but I'm too late...he seems hooked by me and I'm not really sure how to get those claws free.  He seems nice, and we do have a lot in common.  I just don't feel anything there.  He kissed me...which was..well, I'm not going there..let's leave it at that.. no.

The thought of trying at dating someone truly terrifies me. Then, I wonder, is it fear?  The last 2 relationships haven't been good to me.  (The last 3 if you count Kal....which I really don't.  He was more of the wrong guy at the right time. I admit a few regrets on that one.)  So the last ...what? 12 years? 13? Have been spent in misery, and pretty much alone.  I'm not saying all 8 with Dave were bad.  We had some fun..we had some good times.. but I still felt alone most of the time.   I seem to be stuck.  Terrified to be alone, but unwilling to take the leap and take a chance.

Hmm...look at that.  I guess I did have something to write about.

Parenting

I've read a lot of Single Dad Laughing's blog lately.  Today's made me cry.  In fact, all 4 blogs in that series hit me hard and made me cry.  I hope I am not that kind of parent when Morgan grows older.  I would hate to think of her turning to someone on the internet, rather than me. :(  *sigh*

you're fucking kidding me right?

You know what I wish?

I wish smart, beautiful girls would get their heads out of their asses and realize the fucktards they are with.. yeah... the ones that beat them up...hurt them, and break their bones ...HAVE NO FUCKING GOOD SIDE!


I'm sorry, they are rotten to the core. I am sorry that you think you deserve the shit he dishes out to you.  I'm horrified that you think you that you can't get better than him.

I'm sorry that I refuse to be the maid of honor at this wedding.  I do not support domestic violence, abusive assholes, or the "love" you say you have with him.  It's fucked up.   I will not be there to help scrape you from the pavement anymore.  Until you open your eyes and realize what he's doing to you...you are beyond help.  I can't help you if you don't reach for it.  I've been right here... holding my hands out to you.. my arms open.  I've mendedr broken wings... cleaned your scrapes, washed away the blood.  I'm done enabling you.  GROW THE FUCK UP AND REALIZE HE IS GOING TO KILL YOU SOME DAY!

Little black storm cloud

I'm so irritated right now I just want to cry. :(

Broke

Broke

a cold night

followed the beautiful day

that i once again

spent alone

i went outside

underneath the clear skies

the vast stars

and felt small

unnoticeable

i went back inside

within my walls

lonely and depressed

and knew i had nothing

but myself

i am broke

and it has nothing to do

with money

Books and the Government shutdown

I've found a lot of time to read lately.  It's something I've missed doing.  I used to be an avid reader.  I remember in school I devoured most of the fiction in my middle school during the 2 years I spent there.  I would check out 3 or 4 books and have them finished by library time the next day.  Yes.  Nerd.  Geek.  Whatever you want to call it. :)  I loved (and still do) books.
I just finished reading Dean Koontz's Velocity.  Yep, that one.------->
Creepy.. lol  That's all I'll say about that one.  My mind managed to get a little too vivid, and I had some sleepless nights.


Speaking of sleepless nights...it's after midnight and I'm still not asleep.  I'm not sure what's going on with me lately.  I'm having odd pains, dizziness, and it's hard to breathe at times.  Stress? ..Possibly..likely..very likely. Just plain sick?  Yeah, that too.

I'm in a strange mood tonight.  My thoughts are about as jumbled and random as this post is.  :(

Has anyone else heard about this whole government collapse thing going on?  WHAT??? How did I not hear about this before?  Ok, so if you are like me (spend all day on news sites, but are CLUELESS) check this out.  From what little I was able to read about it at work today, it appears that unless Congress, the President, and whoever else comes to an agreement on a budget the Government is shutting down.  Some of it will affect me...some of it will not.. but one of the biggest things that REALLY bothers me.. the military people who will be basically forced into volunteering for our government.  I realize we need a military presence.  I realize we can't lose our National Security, but are you kidding me?  For more information about the shut down ..check here and here.

loss

Four years ago today I lost a 12 week old little girl.  My heart still breaks over the daughter I never got to know.

I've spent the last few days in a fragile state.. trying so hard just to get through the day.  To not crack and break at work.. to keep my sanity.
I feel like it's all slipping away.

life in the fast lane

I have so much going on right now.  Life feels like it's in fast forward, and at the end of the day I'm left breathless and exhausted.  I've been so busy lately I hardly have time to breathe.

I have so much I'm excited about, looking forward to, surprised by, and dreaming of..and hurt by...and I can hardly talk about ANY of it.  I can not even be vague about it in my writing because I really do not know who reads this blog.  I am afraid of letting the cat out of the bag before it's even in a bag.  I know I've always said it's my blog, and I'll write what  I want, but some of this stuff is life altering..life changing sort of stuff.  *sigh*.... I need a confidante.  It's times like this that I really miss my best friend.

I miss my grandma a lot lately too.  She's shown up in my dreams a few times.  I went to a crafty type store with my sister, and my mom over the weekend.  They were looking at these watercolor sets.  They were pretty neat actually.  Watercolors, paintbrushes, and note-cards with matching envelopes made from watercolor paper.  They were talking about how they could paint up the cards and mail cute little home made, hand painted cards.  I almost picked some up too.  I thought.. "How fun, I can paint little pictures and mail them to grand....ma."  I set them down and had to walk away so I didn't burst into tears.

I spent the next hour wandering...trying not to look at all the crafty stuff that reminded me of her.  The roses, and birds and old fashioned lace.  Instead I turned inward.  I browsed the shops without seeing and thought about everything else going on in my life.  Overall I can say I'm still fairly happy.. incredibly lonely most nights.. and so busy I can't even manage to keep up with laundry mountain, let alone stopping long enough to blog about what's on my mind. I can say I'm turning into quite the pessimist.  Which surprises me, and I hate it. :(

Body Slam

I heard something on the way home from work today that thrilled me.  It was a story about about a kid in Australia who got picked on and beaten up every day, and finally fought back.  Have you seen this?!  I think Casey Haynes is my new hero! I am posting the video below.



What's shocking about this video is the boy who is being picked on is 16.  The bully is much younger, and smaller.

This touches close to home.  In high school I can remember being bullied constantly growing up.  My middle school, and most of my high school years were spent in fear due to bullies.  I wish I had the nerve to stand up to some of the kids.

I am not a big advocate of violence.  That being said, I feel NO sympathy for this bully.  He got exactly what he deserved.

Nightmares

I woke up last night/early this morning screaming.  I choked it back enough that I barely roused Morgan.  She was curled up sleeping peacefully in my lap.  I held her until the crying stopped, and then curled up in my bed, afraid to sleep.

This is irrational.  It's been so long since any of those things happened.  I don't know why my mind keeps bringing me back there, to that day...to that night, and the months of pain that followed.

Normally I can tell when I will have one...Normally something will happen during the day that I'll know has sparked that old fear in my head.  Last night...there was nothing.  I had good food, good company... played with Morgan.  I even got to talk with my friend, who I haven't really talked to for a long time after I got home.

I woke up way later than I had intended.  Now I have to get ready for work.  I HATE days like these.  I'll spend the rest of the day with that lingering cloud of unease over me.  I'd so much rather be at home, hiding in my bed.

Nerve :)

I finally got the nerve to talk to the guy I've been crushing on for months.  We went to high school together, and I bumped into him at the store back in September.  We've hung out a few times here and there.
Tonight we got onto the subject of past relationships...what went wrong, and where our futures were heading.

Wouldn't you know it...his last relationship failed because he's gay and was trying to play straight to make his VERY religious family happy!  I'm happy that he's finally able to stop pretending...and that I finally had the guts to tell him I liked him.. just a little bummed it didn't work out.  LOL :)

Bucket List

I've been thinking about death a lot lately.  I can hardly believe it's almost been two months since my grandma died.  It feels like it's been a year.  It still hasn't gotten any better.  There are times when I have to force myself to think of something else so I do not cry.  Today was really hard at work.  I'm not even sure why.  I heard the church bells start ringing at 1 and I had to fight not to cry.  Neither of us went to church, so I'm not really sure why the bells hit me, but they did.  I'm just glad a few friends were able to distract me long enough to get me laughing again. :)

I am thankful that she had a long, full life.  She accomplished so much in her life.  Her dedication to the ABC Club was inspiring.  She's touched so many lives... but I wonder, did she have anything that she wanted to accomplish, that she did not? (Other than the obvious, kicking cancer)

It made me think about my own bucket list.  How I'm turning 33 this year, and there were things I'd hoped to have had accomplished long... long ago.
I've decided to share mine with you.

1. To visit KwaZulu-Natal, South Africa for at least 2 weeks - more if possible. (The Tembe National Elephant Reserve)

2. To get my PADI Advanced Open water dive certificate.

3. To own my own home.

4. To learn how to play cello.

5. Learn how to speak Gaelic... and possibly Latin.

6. Spend a summer at an archeology dig site.

7. Finish my Multimedia degree

8. Open a photography studio.

9. Finish my poetry book and actually publish it.

10. Set up a trust fund for Morgan so she can be taken care of when I'm gone.

That's at least 10 things from my list.  There are hundreds more.  Do you have a bucket list?

Thank you.. >:(

Now I remember why things are the way they are.  Now I remember why that wall was put up.

Thank you for helping me to remember why it was never worth it to let it come down.

I'm so angry at myself right now I can't even stand it.

Playhouse

If I have to prove myself

then it isn’t worth it

my mind moves to fast

to stop and think

about you

I’m finally back out

in the real world

where people respect me

for who I am

instead of coming up with cheap excuses

to try and break me down

you could never keep up with me

but for some reason

I ignored that

I will be blind no more

I refuse to play childish games with you

but I will laugh

when your playhouse crumbles

BAH :)

I had this really awesome post about body mods (tats and piercings)  that I had planned on finishing tonight...but my computer ate it. :( I actually had it in a sticky note and accidentally backspaced when it was selected... I really wish the sticky note feature had an undo. >:(

With cheeks like cardinals..

The whistler's tune perches lightly on my ear.

A glance at your lively blue jay eyes

and my heart grows feathers;

                                 don't fly away.

When Dave and I separated this summer, I let my hosting and website go by the wayside.  An unfortunate thing, because I just did not update this journal as much as I did on my own site.  I'm looking to see if there is any way for me to modify my old backup files and post them here.  :)

Small Picture update

Morgan Christmas 2010

Morgan and Charlie

Morgan and Hayden Christmas 2010

Marissa, my Grandma, and I Christmas morning.

My grandma's Angel.

Morgan rocking out! lol

My Tattoo - hours old

The past year..

I've been promising this blog update for a long...long time.
It was over a year ago that Dave, Morgan and I moved to Portland.

We thought life would be better there. There were more job opportunities, and my best friend and her family lived there. They offered us a place to stay while we got on our feet.
Okay, so that is glossing over everything. The nitty gritty, ugly truth?... Dave and I used to swing. We had started a polyamorous relationship with my best friend, and her husband. Everyone told us it wouldn't work out. Everyone told us it would ruin the friendship, and my marriage.

I was stubborn. I was hard headed. I was a fool. I went into this arrangement with an open mind, and an open heart. I should have listened to everyone...but sometimes you have to learn from your mistakes the hard way.

Things went really well for the first couple months. Better than well. They seemed perfect. Little did I know that there was a current of jealousy running underneath the smiles. Dave and my friend were both jealous and upset about how fast, and intense the relationship between the other husband and I developed. I was too close to see how it was affecting things.

Dave became more and more depressed. He was distant.. my friend became abusive to her husband. They both pushed us away from them...and towards each other. When one of us was hurt, we turned to each other. We both decided in mid April that we were unhappy with our marriages, and wanted out. We weren't sure how we were going to make it happen, but we decided at that point we wanted to see where things went with the two of us.

The four of us had a rule set that said only the married couples could have sex without the others there. So basically, no swapping unless everyone involved knew. The other husband and I broke this rule. There is no nice way of putting it. I cheated on my husband, with my best friend's husband. It went on for a few weeks, and we were caught by Dave. Dave and I separated within days. I lost my best friend of 16 years, and also lost a lot of friends, and family support.

It was ugly. It was sordid, and I regret that it ever happened. Nothing can change something like that after it's happened. The only thing you can do is pick yourself up and move forward. So...we did. The other husband and I tried our best to keep the house. Dave moved back to Southern Oregon, and my friend found an apartment in town.

When it became clear that we weren't going to be able to keep the house we started packing and cleaning. We had nowhere to go. We had barely an income. We had his 2 kids 4 days a week while their mom was at work, and I had Morgan full time. When we lost the house, we had no other option than to pitch a tent at a friend's property. It could have been a beautiful place...but it was neglected. We put our tent underneath an old oak tree to protect it a bit from the weather.

Life was really rough. It was early May, and the weather was still pretty cold. We spent our days wandering different stores just so we could stay warm. As the weather warmed up, we spent a lot of time at local parks. A friend invited us over for dinner every so often, and offered us showers. (Lifesavers!)

In July, my mom bought a travel trailer and put it on her property. She said if I could get back down to Grants Pass, I could stay in it until I got on my feet again. So, Kalvyn, Morgan and I made the trip back down to Grants Pass.

It was only once we were here, and he stopped being able to see his kids that I realized there was something wrong. Something I couldn't put my finger on, but something changed in him. I realized later that he was bipolar and not on medications. We fought constantly, and I found myself begging him to stay with me. His moods got predictable. I was depressed, and scared. I realized what I mistake I had made, and I apologized for everything that happened to Dave. I knew my apology would not change things...but it did open up our friendship. Kalvyn's moodswings got worse. His behavior scared me.

One day I just decided I was tired of the off and on, back and forth thing that we were doing. I decided I should not have to beg someone to commit. I deserved to be treated better than I was. I made the decision to throw him out in late August. I did not tell him for a few days, and it was during that time that I found out he was lying to me about his intentions, and using me for a place to stay. I told him that I wanted him to move out. I gave him until his next paycheck to find his own place. I was nice enough to give him some time to find a new place. I moved Morgan into my bed, and let him stay in hers.

During the next few weeks I was so focused on trying to find a job, and trying to rebuild the friendship with Dave that I let some of the things slide. I did my best to ignore his outbursts, and his mood swings. He had found a place, but it wouldn't open up until the end of the month. Again, I was nice to him and let him stay longer, but then found he was trying to hurt the friendship I had with Dave by spreading rumors and lies.

I threw him out that night. To say things got ugly was an understatement. I do not want to go into that story at this point. It's done, and over with. He is no longer a part of my life. In fact, he moved back up to Portland to be with his kids...and ended up back with his wife.

I do not hold grudges. I do not hate him for the things that happened between us. Nor do I hate Dave for any of the bad that went between us. He is still one of my closest friends...but we've both agreed even trying to salvage anything between us would be stupid. Neither of us has changed..He still wants to swing..I do not. The things that made me mad about him are still the same. A few months separation did not change that.

Since then, I have gotten a job. A job I love! I am tech support for Lexar Media. I can not say it's the easiest job I've ever had, but it's nice. It's not high stress, and I get along with all of my co-workers. I'm working full time, and looking at benefits kicking in next month! :)

I do have more sad news to report. My grandma finally lost her battle to lung cancer January 9th, 2011. We were blessed to have her with us for one last Christmas. I still think about her almost daily, and miss her more than I thought possible.

Morgan is doing well. She's as tall as most 4 year olds, with a vocabulary to match.

Life is starting to pick up again. I've settled into a routine that works for me. I'm paying off bills that added up over the past summer. I've made some new friends, and also managed to get in touch with friends I've missed in the past year.

I'm smiling more now. I am, for the most part, content with my life.

Sure, I get lonely. I still have nights that are rough...but they're few and far between. For now, I'm focusing on Morgan, my job, and myself for once. It's a nice feeling. :)

Life changes

Over the past 6 months my life has gone through so many changes. I don't even know where to begin. My last real post was June of last year. WOW has so much changed since then.
Yhis post may take a couple days. lol
Let's see. The basics. My grandmother is dying of stage 4 lung cancer. At the rate we are going, we are all hoping she makes it through the new year. She is weaker and weaker every day.
Morgan is 2! I have no idea where that one came from. It still feels like I just blinked and she went from my little girl wearing preemie clothes to my big girl who has to wear 4t dresses or they will not cover her little butt.
I am a single mom. That's going to be a biggie for a few of my blog followers. I have a lot to say about that one, and I know I wont finish it all before I have to leave for work. Dave and I separated in May. We didn't speak for a few months, but we are slowly rebuilding our friendship. Of course there have been snags along the way, but things look better every day.
I have a full time job that I love! Wow...another biggie!! :) I'm now a member of Lexar Media's Technical Support team. Overall the job is great. Some days are easy, and some leave me wanting to pull out my hair and cry. I guess that's any Tech Support job though.
Speaking of Job... I need to start getting ready. I promise, this post is not finished.