real quick :)

So..this is just going to be a quickie blog because I have plans tonight and am not sure when I'll be home.  Since I was a bad blogger last night, I want to post before I go. :)

And ..now I sit here.... I have about 3 more posts I'm working on but they aren't quick by any means.
So.. instead I'll just say YAY for sunshine this weekend!   I will be moving my things out of Dave's  house and into my storage shed... moving in the right direction.

I got rid of my stalker (longer blog about this later) ..and I just feel like a weight is lifted off my shoulders.  That, and progress on finalizing my divorce?...yeah, good mood.

Missed a post

Bad blogger...no donut

late nights

I had this really awesome post rolling around in my head...but life sorta caught up with me and I find it's way past my bedtime.  I will post tomorrow, but for now.. a pic share.. a few of my favorite pics of Morgan that I happened to find in my photobucket account. 

Minutes old

3 weeks old

1 month

being protected by my chihuahua

3 months old

Confused! :)

Meeting Great Grandma

First Coast trip :)

My brother's wedding

My little Bug 

meeting Charlie for the first time! It's love at first sight!

I could seriously go on for hours with this... but for now, I found my smile again and am ready for bed.

I was browsing one of my favorite food related sites, The Pioneer Woman.. oh who am I kidding, I love this whole site. Ree has to be one of the few people I idolize.  She's smart.. funny.. a great cook, not to mention beautiful and living the ranch life I would love to live!! :)   ANYway... I happened to stumble across a few new recipes that made me excited about the prospect of cooking again.  While there I was browsing the pictures of her horses, and her family.  It made me almost wistful.



I do miss ranch life.  I miss getting up in the morning as the sun was coming up and tossing hay.  The sweet smell of the hay, mixing with the sharp smell of alfalfa and dust in the barn.  I miss those faces the horses would make when you scratched and rubbed their bellies.  I love the smell of a warm horse.. Only someone who has been around horses enough can really know what I'm talking about. The smell of a horse that has worked.  Or even one that has been standings still in the sun...droopey eyed and dipped headed.  It's hard to describe, and most of the people who read this are probably going to look at me funny now! lol :)

I miss the routine that came with riding.  The combing, picking, brushing.  That quiet, empty feeling that came over me as I prepped my horse to ride. Not lonely, not by any means lonely... just quiet, but filled with purpose.  I think I loved my horse most after we had ridden.  The peaceful solitude that came with just leaning against her after a ride and feeling her breathe.  Supra was a beautiful horse.  I was heartbroken when I had to put her down.. but that's a story for another time.

Supra San Dee - Last show of her career

Supra - retired, meeting Morgan

You notice the word quiet when I talk or think about life on the ranch.  It was.  It was always filled with little noise.  Stuff most people wouldn't notice.  The sounds of a mouse running over the top of the hay bales... the little sighs the mares would make.  The scrape of hooves against hard packed ground.  The happy little nickers and calls the horses would make as you started shifting bales of hay around. The barn cats purring as you walked past and ran a hand over them.  The deer seeing you toss out that first flake of hay and bounding over the fencing, their bodies making a soft swish sound as they ran through the woods.  It was peaceful.  It was quiet.  It was totally mine because most of the time I was alone out there.

Sometimes I still crave that quiet solitude...the little sounds.. the happy noises.. and the way the world would blur into nothing when I gave Supra her reins and we flew.

i am

i am

i am a crazy chameleon

wishing i could find a way to

confine myself to one color

wishing i wasn’t lost every time i found you

i am a disconnected telephone

voices inside of me screaming

with no one listening

to the nonsense and the dreaming

i am an abandoned house

crumbling from the inside out

crying for the people who never stay

missing smiles i fear and love that i doubt

i am the one never chosen

i am desperate despondent and lonesome

and maybe i should not admit it

but my light is fading and my heart lies broken

i am crushing myself

under the weight of a lost spring

i am losing myself

in the rainstorms my summers always bring

Nightmares

Would it surprise you to know I don't sleep well? How about the fact that I have had violent, graphic, blood and death filled nightmares...often.

We're talking at least 3 nights a week but closer to 4 or 5. Almost every night for the last 10 years. They aren't always the exact same dream but they all share the same story line.

Chances are if you are a man who I've spoken more than a time or two you've been in one of these dreams. Sorry Kenny...even you..Even people I know aren't any sort of threat to me. Not always the star feature guy...but there.

Its strange to me how horrible they are and the people who I find in them. What's stranger is there is only one guy in the past few years that I have known for awhile that has never shown up.  Does it mean anything? Not so sure....just that my brain hasn't put out a new casting call yet I guess.

I usually wake up startled and after awhile I'm able to settle down fairly quickly. Last night...not so much.. Last night I woke with a scream bubbling out of my throat and trying to kick the latest boogey men away from me.  Sadly these boogey men were Kenny and Jesse...but not Jesse as he was...Jesse as he would be now, 2 months after his death.  

I'm not sure what I kicked but I have one hell of a bruise today. Its actually sorta sore to walk.  I wish I could find a way to turn these dreams off. They ruin my whole day and today is supposed to be a family day ...with smiles..pictures...family...friends and love. I'm just having a really hard time finding my smile today.

Easter

Saturday night we set up the kids Easter stuff for Sunday.  Morgan's basket looks a little... shabby. :(  I remember Easters from when I was a kid.  For a few months/weeks before Easter my mom would buy ice cream.  Not just any ice cream, but these huge plastic tubs of it.  We'd love the fact that we got the special treat, and mom would squirrel away the tubs after we were finished.  Easter morning, we would see our Easter "Baskets"....these ice cream tubs.  They were overflowing with little candies and treats.  

Looking back it makes me realize how much my parents did sacrifice for us.

Stalkers?

Over the years I've had a few stalkers.  I'm not writing about my latest tonight.  He's completely another story. LOL ...

So... 7ish years ago, I was randomly contacted by a woman on yahoo messenger.  To this day, I'm really not sure how she found me...but she seemed nice at first.  I guess they all seem nice at first.  I'll call her Chatty Kathy (to protect the innocent, of course)  So I get an IM from Mrs. Chatty Kathy on yahoo messenger and she says she's looking for new friends.  Now that I think back, she may have found me on a penpal site.  (I used to write snail mail to over 10 people on a weekly basis, and I think she saw me there)

She was ...well.. Chatty.  Within 2 hours I knew her life story.  She talked about hair a lot.  How much she loved hair.. in fact sometimes our conversations went as follows:

      Chatty: So, I see that you have long, long HAIR.
      Chatty: I love long hair.
      Chatty: HAIRHAIRHAIR :)
      Me: yeah, it's about midback now.
      Chatty: OHHH I LOVE HAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
      Chatty: Can you say that word for me?
      Me: .....? What word?
      Chatty: HAIR!
      Me: .................hair?
      Chatty: OMG I LOVE HAIR, really long hair. I love to play with it, rub it, wrap myself up in it.. I LOVE HAIR! Do you think we could meat some time and you would let me brush and pet your really really long HAIR??
     Me: ............

Well..... you get the point.  Sure, we talked about other stuff.  Her marriage..my marriage.. religious beliefs, sexual preference.. About a month later she was sort of freaking me out with all the hair talk.  I avoided her as much as possible.  Just seeing her name log onto Yahoo Messenger kinda gave me a queasy feeling in my tummy.  ...but at the time Dave was in jail and I didn't have many friends, or anyone to talk to during the day. So, I talked with Chatty Kathy.

I tried to keep her contained to Yahoo Messenger.  Google can be a wonderful thing. Unfortunately, Mrs. Chatty used it to track down every profile I have ever had online and friend requested them all.  She somehow managed to track down my phone number, and even tried calling me a few times.  At one point, I had a paid adult site.  You had to pay money to access it.  Quite a bit of money actually.  It was pretty awkward when she found me there, but then it freaked me out when she became a paid subscriber to my site.    I had no clue how to handle her.  I was polite, and eventually ended up changing servers and sites to keep her away.  I deleted and blocked her from my yahoo messenger, icq, and MSN.  It was a few years before I heard from her again.

Within the past year, she's managed to find me on Facebook.  Being the person I am, (too nice to people) I added her.  She still goes on and on about how we met one time on accident at a Pilot station years and years ago, and how she can't wait to hang out again, and about how she wants to touch and play with my hair...but I am able to keep her at arms length for the most part.

There's a guy from work that I hang out with every so often.  He's pretty cool, but there is part of me that is terrified that I'm coming off like Mrs. Chatty Kathy to him.  I'm always terrified that I'm overstaying my welcome, and I feel incredibly awkward half the time I'm there.  He's one of the first guys that I'm not terrified to look in the eyes, and actually talk to.  He doesn't bleed into my nightmares like every other guy I know.. (another story....another time) and there is no sexual tension with him at all (don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that he's not attractive...he is, but he doesn't freak me out like most guys do on that level).  I really like the fact that I met a guy who I actually like, that I can just be myself for.  I don't have to second guess everything he does, or says.  I don't think he's always completely honest with me, because I've asked if I make him nervous (in my mind wondering if I make him feel like Mrs. Chatty Kathy made/makes me feel) and I'll see something pass over his eyes for a second before he says no.  (Possibility that I'm just imagining it.. lol..who knows.) I can say that he's one of the better friends I've ever had.  I just hope that somewhere, deep down he's not just being too nice to me.

...to be continued...

cotton

my senses are dulled and blurred.. my mouth stale.. tongue thick.
I feel like I'm missing something, but I'm too cotton-headed to figure out what it is.

confused

Why do I suddenly feel like I've betrayed you in some way?..

(these little one liners should probably go on something like twitter...which I don't use... or facebook, ..where I don't want them seen.. for now..sorry they're going here.)

Daily Challenge

I've decided to challenge myself.  At least one blog posting every day for at least 30 days.

I know it's going to be hard.  I would start tonight, but I've managed to depress myself again.  This really needs to stop.  I need sunshine.. I need laughter.. I need love.  Yeah.. that's a big part of my problem.

I let myself get caught up way too fast, and then being shocked and hurt when I realize the person I've been thinking about is repulsed by the thought of anything serious with me. I'm not saying that's what has happened recently.

In fact, I did meet a guy.  The sad part of it is... I just don't feel anything towards him.  Is it because most of my heart is already occupied and I'm just not willing to let go yet?  There is one guy who gives me that roller-coaster ride feeling deep in my stomach every time we talk or any time I get an unexpected text from him.  I tend to be empathetic though...and sadly I've picked up on the not interested vibe.. almost a fear coming from him at times.

So, instead I reactivated a dating site I signed up for awhile ago.  I've gotten (VERY surprised) quite a bit of attention there lately.  The guy I met was from this site.  Over the past few days after meeting him I reset my profile to seeking friends only.  I have also told the guy I am only wanting friends...but I'm too late...he seems hooked by me and I'm not really sure how to get those claws free.  He seems nice, and we do have a lot in common.  I just don't feel anything there.  He kissed me...which was..well, I'm not going there..let's leave it at that.. no.

The thought of trying at dating someone truly terrifies me. Then, I wonder, is it fear?  The last 2 relationships haven't been good to me.  (The last 3 if you count Kal....which I really don't.  He was more of the wrong guy at the right time. I admit a few regrets on that one.)  So the last ...what? 12 years? 13? Have been spent in misery, and pretty much alone.  I'm not saying all 8 with Dave were bad.  We had some fun..we had some good times.. but I still felt alone most of the time.   I seem to be stuck.  Terrified to be alone, but unwilling to take the leap and take a chance.

Hmm...look at that.  I guess I did have something to write about.

Parenting

I've read a lot of Single Dad Laughing's blog lately.  Today's made me cry.  In fact, all 4 blogs in that series hit me hard and made me cry.  I hope I am not that kind of parent when Morgan grows older.  I would hate to think of her turning to someone on the internet, rather than me. :(  *sigh*

you're fucking kidding me right?

You know what I wish?

I wish smart, beautiful girls would get their heads out of their asses and realize the fucktards they are with.. yeah... the ones that beat them up...hurt them, and break their bones ...HAVE NO FUCKING GOOD SIDE!


I'm sorry, they are rotten to the core. I am sorry that you think you deserve the shit he dishes out to you.  I'm horrified that you think you that you can't get better than him.

I'm sorry that I refuse to be the maid of honor at this wedding.  I do not support domestic violence, abusive assholes, or the "love" you say you have with him.  It's fucked up.   I will not be there to help scrape you from the pavement anymore.  Until you open your eyes and realize what he's doing to you...you are beyond help.  I can't help you if you don't reach for it.  I've been right here... holding my hands out to you.. my arms open.  I've mendedr broken wings... cleaned your scrapes, washed away the blood.  I'm done enabling you.  GROW THE FUCK UP AND REALIZE HE IS GOING TO KILL YOU SOME DAY!

Little black storm cloud

I'm so irritated right now I just want to cry. :(

Broke

Broke

a cold night

followed the beautiful day

that i once again

spent alone

i went outside

underneath the clear skies

the vast stars

and felt small

unnoticeable

i went back inside

within my walls

lonely and depressed

and knew i had nothing

but myself

i am broke

and it has nothing to do

with money

Books and the Government shutdown

I've found a lot of time to read lately.  It's something I've missed doing.  I used to be an avid reader.  I remember in school I devoured most of the fiction in my middle school during the 2 years I spent there.  I would check out 3 or 4 books and have them finished by library time the next day.  Yes.  Nerd.  Geek.  Whatever you want to call it. :)  I loved (and still do) books.
I just finished reading Dean Koontz's Velocity.  Yep, that one.------->
Creepy.. lol  That's all I'll say about that one.  My mind managed to get a little too vivid, and I had some sleepless nights.


Speaking of sleepless nights...it's after midnight and I'm still not asleep.  I'm not sure what's going on with me lately.  I'm having odd pains, dizziness, and it's hard to breathe at times.  Stress? ..Possibly..likely..very likely. Just plain sick?  Yeah, that too.

I'm in a strange mood tonight.  My thoughts are about as jumbled and random as this post is.  :(

Has anyone else heard about this whole government collapse thing going on?  WHAT??? How did I not hear about this before?  Ok, so if you are like me (spend all day on news sites, but are CLUELESS) check this out.  From what little I was able to read about it at work today, it appears that unless Congress, the President, and whoever else comes to an agreement on a budget the Government is shutting down.  Some of it will affect me...some of it will not.. but one of the biggest things that REALLY bothers me.. the military people who will be basically forced into volunteering for our government.  I realize we need a military presence.  I realize we can't lose our National Security, but are you kidding me?  For more information about the shut down ..check here and here.

loss

Four years ago today I lost a 12 week old little girl.  My heart still breaks over the daughter I never got to know.

I've spent the last few days in a fragile state.. trying so hard just to get through the day.  To not crack and break at work.. to keep my sanity.
I feel like it's all slipping away.

life in the fast lane

I have so much going on right now.  Life feels like it's in fast forward, and at the end of the day I'm left breathless and exhausted.  I've been so busy lately I hardly have time to breathe.

I have so much I'm excited about, looking forward to, surprised by, and dreaming of..and hurt by...and I can hardly talk about ANY of it.  I can not even be vague about it in my writing because I really do not know who reads this blog.  I am afraid of letting the cat out of the bag before it's even in a bag.  I know I've always said it's my blog, and I'll write what  I want, but some of this stuff is life altering..life changing sort of stuff.  *sigh*.... I need a confidante.  It's times like this that I really miss my best friend.

I miss my grandma a lot lately too.  She's shown up in my dreams a few times.  I went to a crafty type store with my sister, and my mom over the weekend.  They were looking at these watercolor sets.  They were pretty neat actually.  Watercolors, paintbrushes, and note-cards with matching envelopes made from watercolor paper.  They were talking about how they could paint up the cards and mail cute little home made, hand painted cards.  I almost picked some up too.  I thought.. "How fun, I can paint little pictures and mail them to grand....ma."  I set them down and had to walk away so I didn't burst into tears.

I spent the next hour wandering...trying not to look at all the crafty stuff that reminded me of her.  The roses, and birds and old fashioned lace.  Instead I turned inward.  I browsed the shops without seeing and thought about everything else going on in my life.  Overall I can say I'm still fairly happy.. incredibly lonely most nights.. and so busy I can't even manage to keep up with laundry mountain, let alone stopping long enough to blog about what's on my mind. I can say I'm turning into quite the pessimist.  Which surprises me, and I hate it. :(